I never talked about this in detail, but a lot of what’s happening to me now started back in childhood.
There was warmth in the house, but now, when I look at how other families live, I realise there wasn’t that much of it. My parents worked, argued, and I often grew up on my own. Hugs, praise, a simple “I love you” — it happened, but I feel it wasn’t enough. My mom worked a lot and there were times when she had several jobs at once. My dad had his own separate life within our family — work, evening hangouts with colleagues in the work collective and alcohol, weekends — just doing nothing.
It’s not that I was beaten or starved, no. It’s just that there wasn’t what other kids had: warm words, games with dad, heart-to-heart talks with mom. Everything was practical, dry, on schedule.I had a cousin — five years older. We hardly communicated: he lived his life, I lived mine. But I noticed how he sometimes looked at boys. Not the way all boys look at girls. It was a different look — long, thoughtful. I didn’t understand what it meant back then, I just felt: something wasn’t right, not like with others. And for some reason I liked it. I caught myself looking at boys sometimes longer than necessary. Not at girls — at boys.In school it became more noticeable. Everyone discussed who liked whom, who kissed whom behind the corner. And I was silent. No one attracted me. Neither girls nor boys — just emptiness inside. But sometimes, when one of the boys undressed in the locker room after PE, I looked away because I felt a strange warmth. Not arousal, no. I just wanted to be closer, to hug, to feel the warmth of the body. And I was ashamed of these thoughts.Back then it was all scary to me. Scary that mom would find out. Scary that it was “wrong”.
I didn’t tell anyone. I just closed up. Decided it’s better to stay silent than to figure it out. So I lived until my twenties — with this quiet question inside: “What if I’m not like everyone else?”
But now I at least understand: it’s not shameful. It’s just my story. And it started much earlier than I thought.