By 22, our big group — the one where I was the soul — started changing.
Friends, who we hung out with days and nights, suddenly formed pairs. My best friend became family-oriented: wedding, baby plans. The friend I mentioned (the one with the pregnancy) gave birth to a daughter and built a happy life with that guy — even had a second child a few years later. Another friend got a partner. Left were us "singles" — a few people not yet in the "system." We joked: "We're free artists." But inside... something stirred.

At 22, I got seriously ill. For a long time. (About this illness story — in a separate chapter later; I'll say only that it knocked me out of the rut, forced me to slow down.) Lying there, staring at the ceiling, thoughts creep in: "Everyone around is building 'us', and me? Alone. Do I want this loneliness forever?" Before, it was cozy — freedom, company, favorite things. Now — an echo. Around 23–25, I started thinking: I want to just communicate, share everyday life, have a life partner. Not drama, not "passion" from movies — but quiet support. Someone to comfortably silence with, walk somewhere in nature and not only or discuss something else.

And so I dove into the search. Monitored everything related to asexuals: forums (AVEN, Russian groups in VK and Telegram), articles, stories. "If sex doesn't pull, intimacy isn't sought — means asexual?" — I thought. Facts matched: zero experience, zero desire. Seemed logical. Read about the spectrum: demisexuals (attraction only after emotional connection), aromantics (no romance at all). Sometimes a thought flashed: "What if gay? Or bi? Never checked." But started with asexuality — it fit my "silence."

I only remember that there aren't many people on such forums. In the Telegram group, I somehow monitored new messages and posts daily — but no one was nearby to actually meet in real life. It wasn't despair, but curiosity: "Maybe I'm not broken, just different?"

This period taught: loneliness — not a sentence, but a signal. The illness gave a pause to hear myself. And monitoring — a door to the community, where people like me: seeking connection without templates. Now, on the site, I continue: writing to dig deeper. If you're in something similar — asexual, doubting, or just seeking a "silence partner" — you can write to me. Maybe our stages will intersect?

(Continuation: 27 years, move to Tallinn and first meeting.)